Wednesday, November 3, 2010
We are super excited and probably as ready as we can ever be to accept this major life change. But, this means I have pretty much tabled all weight-loss thoughts for the time being. I have been really trying to eat a balanced diet, which has actually not been too hard for me. Staying active has been a challenge, for sure and I really need to make more of an effort to get moving every day. My goal has been to not gain more than 25 pounds. So far, I'm only up about 3 pounds from my last SP weigh-in before we found out. So, things are pretty good in that regard.
I'm due at the beginning of April, so I'm *almost* half-way done. I'm super nervous about what weight loss efforts will be like post-baby, but I'm sure I will keep you posted.
I just wanted to check-in and let you know I haven't fallen off the face of the earth!
Keep on truckin' :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday I attended a baby shower for one of my college friends. It was very nice and low-key. The food was very tempting, but I used some willpower and had one plate of snacks and NO cake. I was sad about the cake for about 5 whole minutes, and then everyone else was done with theirs, and I let it go.
Speaking of willpower, my husband told me about this experiment (Baumeister, R. F.; Bratslavsky, E.; Muraven, M.; Tice, D. M. (1998)) that he read about in Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard (Heath, Chip; Heath, Dan. (2010). So, they have two groups of people who believe they are doing a taste test experiment. The researchers ask them not to eat the night before the experiment. Group A comes into the experiment room. There are two plates on the table, one is a plate of warm, freshly baked cookies and one is a plate of radishes. They are told to eat only the radishes, and not even touch the cookies. After a few minutes, the researchers come in and give the subjects a maze that is impossible to solve. If the subject makes a mistake on the maze, they have to start over from the beginning. So, the subjects work on the maze and the researchers time how long it takes them until they give up in frustration. Then, Group B repeats the experiment, except they are allowed to eat the cookies. The researchers discover that Group A gave up on the maze much sooner than the subjects in Group B. What does this mean? Well, the researchers theorize that we all have a finite amount of willpower. Group B didn’t have to use willpower to resist the cookies in the first part of the experiment, so they were able to use it to endure solving the frustrating puzzle longer than Group A.
Pretty interesting, no? I believe they go on to discuss how using willpower in one area of your life (your diet, for example), can deplete the willpower you have left to use in other parts (work, for example). Which might explain why when I’m successful in my weight loss efforts, I have little self-discipline to get my work done.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Another co-worker and I went for a walk today and she asked me how much more I want to lose. I told her I still had 35 pounds to go before I am back to my “wedding weight”. She seemed surprised at this and said, “So, are you going to stop then?” I didn’t really want to tell her I had no intention at all of stopping there, so I just told her I would re-evaluate when I get there. I can definitely see her becoming a saboteur of my weight loss efforts in the future. But, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I had planned to go to spin class today over lunch, but I didn’t go. I’m just feeling really tired these last couple of days. Also, I want to run tonight, and don’t want to wear out all the energy in my legs. I will spin on Friday though.
Tonight I’m meeting a friend for dinner. I’ve already planned to have a fruit cup and some soup, so I should stay within my calories pretty easily.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Starting stats 6/23/10-
Weight – 199.0
R Bicep – 15
L Bicep – 14.5
Chest – 46.5
Waist – 45
Hips – 47
R Thigh – 27
L Thigh – 27
As of last Wednesday 7/7/10, I have lost 8 pounds and 4.25 total inches. I weigh-in again tomorrow.
Since 6/23, I have gotten a minimum of 40 minutes of activity in every single day, most days at least 60 minutes. 90% of the activity I have been doing is walking. The other 10% is a mixture of jogging, yoga, elliptical machine, spin class, and strength exercises.
Since 6/23, I have drunk a minimum of 64 oz of water every day. I keep a water bottle on my desk at work and I motivate myself to drink it by playing mind games. (ex. “Drink 16 oz before this song is over on the radio”, “Before you can go to the bathroom/eat lunch/take a break, finish whatever is in the water bottle.”)
SparkPeople suggests a calorie range based on information you enter. I have tracked all my food and stayed within my calorie range every day except one (my anniversary dinner). Even when eating out. I don’t deprive myself of any food or any food group, but I am more careful about making decisions about what I really want to spend my calories on.
So, there you have it. I don’t mean for this all to sound smug, but I just wanted to really clarify what I’ve been doing. Unfortunately, there really is no secret formula...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I came across some old pictures today. Specifically, pictures from my wedding 4 years ago. This Friday is our 4th wedding anniversary. We got married in Mexico. It was beautiful. And I was in the best shape of my life. I remember I weighed in at WW at 155 a couple days before leaving for the wedding. I look at those pictures and my face looks so thin – and I look much younger. I’m really looking forward to being back to that weight again. Here's a picture for your viewing pleasure…you might notice, I actually have a waist!
I took a spinning class for the first time last Friday. It was so much fun – and a great workout. I’m anxious to incorporate it into my regular routine, but the classes are offered at awkward times at the Y. I’ve been hesitating to go to class over my lunch hour because I get so dang sweaty, I’ll definitely need a shower afterward. But, if I don’t go over lunch, then I have to wait until 5:45 in the evening. So, I think I’ll just have to suck it up and plan to shower before coming back to work those days.
Today is the first day of week 3 in the SP challenge. I’m still in it and going strong!
Monday, July 5, 2010
I've been totally kicking ass on the SparkPeople challenge. We're almost 2 weeks into it and I'm just so proud of my progress. I'm working out every single day, which is a huge challenge for me, but I'm getting it done. I've also tracked ALL of my food since the start of the challenge, which has been very hard, especially when eating out. It just takes some extra planning. I feel like I'm planning at least an hour a day, but hopefully that will get easier as time goes on.
Losing weight can be done! and I'm doing it!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The challenge is going awesome. Today marks the start of Week 2, so I weighed in this morning to find a 5, yes FIVE, pound loss!!! I’m totally excited. I have been very diligently meeting the daily and weekly goals, so I really feel like I earned those 5 pounds.
The one thing that really frustrates me about the challenge is that there are several other people who have put in 90+ minutes of exercise every single day of the challenge so far. I seriously do not have the energy (or most days, the time) to work out that much. I almost don’t believe that they are really doing it. Or maybe they are counting activities that I don’t count as exercise. I have no idea. But, it just doesn’t seem realistic for the long term to me. I’m used to a 4-5 day per week workout schedule and I have always looked forward to and relished my rest days. But, I’m now realizing that there won’t be many rest days on this challenge. And, maybe this is a good thing. I mean, a challenge is supposed to push you out of your comfort zone, right?
Yesterday afternoon when I got home from work, I mowed our lawn. We have a push reel mower, so mowing the lawn is more of a workout than it used to be. It took me 50 minutes and I definitely was sweaty, so I counted that in my activity for the day.
I also realized that I have a 5 minute walk to and from the bus stop every day, which I have never counted as activity. This morning I thought, would I count it if I was on my treadmill instead of outside? YES! So, from now on, I’m counting those minutes.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Next Saturday, I'm going to get a pedicure to celebrate my hard earned success. :) :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
So, I told you that I’m participating in the challenge on SparkPeople right? Well, it’s going awesome. It’s been a great motivator for me to track my calories, and amp up my activity. I hope that once my honeymoon phase dies down, my successes will keep me motivated through the whole 12 weeks. They have set out a weekend challenge for this weekend to get 60 min of cardio each day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It will definitely be a challenge, but I’m up for it. I’ve already got in a 30 min walk today, and in a few minutes I’m heading out for 30 min on the elliptical.
Today a bunch of people are getting together for happy hour after work. I’m really proud that I’ve scheduled myself to do a workout before I meet them. I’ve also planned the calories for the glass of wine that I’m going to enjoy. Yay me!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday was a really busy day at work for me, so that evening my husband and I went out to dinner with some friends to blow off some steam. We ended up going to Il Gatto in Uptown. I had the scallops, which were phenomenal. It was just a really nice dinner out.
After dinner we couldn’t really decide what should be done, so we tried out a couple of the patios in Uptown. First we went to Stella’s Fish Café, which is great fun, but the patio was packed with lots of young girls and there was just no great place for the five of us to sit and talk. So, we decided to head over to Moto-I and try out their patio instead – it was perfect. Not too crowded, we got some great drinks and had a really nice time.
Saturday was our lazy day. We slept in, watched movies, and relaxed. I did a treadmill workout in the afternoon. It was a really nice day. On Saturday morning, we got an invitation to go to a beer festival over at the Saints Stadium on Sunday afternoon. I am so glad we went. We met a couple of friends there and had 4 hours of beer tasting fun. The weather was beautiful, but I was very unprepared and had no sunscreen with me, so I am lobster red today as a result. Will I ever learn?
We didn’t get home from the beer fest until around 6, and still hadn’t done our weekly grocery shopping. So, I sent my husband to the store and I took an ice cold shower for relief after being in the sun all day. When he got home, I made some waffles for dinner and we went to bed very early.
But, there was one really bad thing that happened this weekend. I had done pretty well on my 5 days of workouts goal, but I needed to work out both Saturday and Sunday in order to meet my 5 days. On Sunday, I thought, “Oh, we won’t be out too late at the beer fest, so I’ll work out when we get home.” Well, by the time we were home and had eaten dinner, working out was so far from my mind, I just totally forgot about it and now I’ll fall 1 day short of my goal. I’m really bummed about this. I don’t want to give up my $20 to that awful “charity” this week. But, that is what I committed that I would do. So, I guess I need to take my lumps and learn from my mistake.
I will say that this commitment has been a big motivator for me to get in my activity. I worked out last Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and today (Monday) will be my fourth day this week. I doubt Tuesday or Wednesday’s workouts would have happened if I hadn’t made my contract with StickK.
I have one more, big thing I want to share with you all: I have joined a weight loss challenge group on SparkPeople! A friend told me about it and I’m so excited to get started. It starts this Wednesday. Basically, I will earn points for doing healthy stuff (like drinking all my water, staying within my calories, working out, etc). There is a $10 buy-in, and then at the end of the challenge, the top three finishers split the pot. And, I’m pretty competitive, so I’m excited to see how the competition helps motivate me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I’ve been struggling to get on track lately. I’ve only run once since the race and it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. I’ve been really sporadic with my food tracking on SparkPeople as well. And, I totally binged yesterday.
I would like to say that today was better, but I skipped breakfast at home this morning and also had Arby’s for lunch.
I’m feeling like I need a kick in the pants. Right now I’m living the pattern that I’ve always lived and I’ve just got to break through it. Without the fear of the race looming over me, I haven’t had any motivation to get my body moving. Yesterday my friend’s 5 year old little girl said to me, “You should exercise more and get thin.” Yeah, it hurt. But actually, she’s right.
So, today I made a contract at www.stickK.com. If you haven’t heard of StickK, it’s a website that you use to set up contracts with yourself to meet your goals. The really cool thing about the site is that you can tack a financial incentive on to your contract that can be used as a penalty for not meeting your goals. The penalty can be sent to a friend, a charity, or an anti-charity (a charity that you hate).
I signed a contract to exercise 5 days per week and put $20 per week on the line with an anti-charity. I absolutely hate the idea of giving this charity $1 let alone $20, so I think this will be a good motivation for me. Also, I recruited my husband to be my referee and keep me honest. I have a 12 week contract, and you know I’ll keep you updated too.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I ran on Tuesday for the first time since the big race. It went okay. I upped my speed a little bit and as a result, my distance wasn’t what I had hoped for, but that’s ok. I’ve been having some heel pain that I am moderately concerned about. I strike with my heel, and even though I try to consciously land on my forefoot, I know I’m not doing it all the time. But, I’m working on it.
I made some awesome turkey burgers the other night. I modified a recipe from allrecipes.com. They turned out so good, I thought I’d post the recipe for y’all:
Cranberry Turkey Burgers:
1.25 lbs ground turkey breast
1/3 C dried cranberries, chopped
1/4 C plain bread crumbs
1/4 C diced onion
1 egg white, beaten
1 T dried parsley
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
5 light hamburger buns
5 slices reduced fat Swiss cheese
1 onion, caramelized (to caramelize, slice 1 yellow onion and sauté over medium heat with 1 T vegetable oil, stirring occasionally until a deep golden brown color ~ about 20 minutes)
Combine first 7 ingredients in a large bowl and form into 5 patties. Grill until internal temperature reaches 180˚ F. Top burgers with cheese and caramelized onions. 360 calories, 9.7g fat, 4.6g fiber.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The celebration trip to Vegas after the race was fantastic. Exactly what the doctor ordered. It was one of those vacations where you don’t *have* to do anything. I read a terrible book, drank lots of calories, and soaked up as much sun as I could handle. It was great.
I was actually very surprised, incredulous, really, that I didn’t gain about 20 pounds on the trip – I came home to just a one pound gain and then I dropped down after a few days back at home! Amazing. So, now I’ve *almost* officially lost 10 pounds from my starting weight. What a nice round number 10 is...and it's so close...
It’s very liberating to be done with the race, actually. Now, I feel like I can do other workouts besides running and there’s no pressure. Tonight will be a treadmill workout at home, but tomorrow I’ll bring in my Y clothes and get in an elliptical workout for the first time in a while.
I’m tracking again on SparkPeople, too. So, hopefully these next 5 pounds come off more like the first 5…
It’s hard to believe it’s only Tuesday. Feels more like a Thursday…maybe it’s because I’m really looking forward to the weekend. We are having a Filipino party at our house on Saturday. My husband is Filipino, so he’s planning the festivities. It should be really fun.
Well, I don’t have a whole lot else for you. I’ll check in tomorrow with a report of how my first run back in business goes tonight.
When I was about 1/3 of the way through the 10 miler, this song came up on my MP3 player. I had barely started the race and I was tired and pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to finish and these lyrics really struck me:
Big Me to talk about it
I could stand to prove
If we can get around it
I know that it’s true
When I talked about it
Reasons only knew
I just couldn’t help thinking how I had talked a big talk about this damn race and now I might not follow through. So, today, for your listening pleasure, I leave you with Foo Fighters:
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
I think what I’ve learned from this process is that what I had always held up as being out of my reach, in reality is right in front of me. I used to think, “Oh, if I could just get on the treadmill and run for 30 minutes straight!” Now I can do that and more. I thought the only people who could run 5 miles a day were athletes – stronger, and better than I could ever be. And now I see that strength in myself.
Today I’m wearing a skirt and this morning I looked down at my legs – the same legs I disparaged for being too fat to fit into knee high boots last fall – and thought, “I love my legs – look at how strong they are!”
People are so obsessed with comparing themselves to others - myself included. But, I’m trying to learn that other people’s goals and successes are theirs and theirs alone. I can’t measure my achievement against what other people have already done. This is MY life, and these are MY goals and nothing that anyone else says or does is going to take this away from me.
When I tell people that I’m running in a 10 mile race this weekend, I get a variety of reactions. Some people are surprised that I (obese and un-athletic) might possibly do such a thing, “Wow! Really?” I think that some are in such disbelief that they act as if I just said, “I’m going to the grocery store,” and they make no comment at all and change the subject. Maybe they are thinking, “Did she just say what I think she said? I must have misunderstood…” Some (my mother) are overly enthusiastic (“I think it’s SOOOO, SO, SO GREAT that you are doing this”), leading me to believe that they don’t think I can or will do it. And some people don’t know the difference between 10 kilometers and 10 miles.
But, the people closest to me, the people who really know me realize what a huge thing this is and they believe that I can do it. That means so much more to me than anything else. For me, running 10 miles is a major accomplishment and I won’t minimize my pride in finishing what I’ve started.
After the race, I'm going on vacation, so I won't have any posts for a few more days. But, as soon as I can, I'll post an update for you! Have a great Memorial Day weekend!
Monday, May 24, 2010
I can see now that even though I *thought* I was well hydrated, I was not even close. I just didn’t realize how vastly different running in heat would be – I mean, I thought it would be uncomfortable, but not debilitating.
There is a very good possibility that the 10 miler will also be humid – and I really need to make a plan for dealing with it. First, I really need to up my hydration starting now. I’ve been avoiding buying a belt to hold water bottles because I didn’t want to carry the extra weight on my run, but now I know I need to suck it up and do it anyway. I’ll fill the water bottles with ice water and Gatorade. Also, I think I will plan to run 2 miles, walk 1 minute, and run 2 miles, etc. Hopefully I can stay ahead hydration wise and have a successful run. I’m still nervous, but breaking it down into a plan really helps me feel more calm about it.
At my weigh-in this weekend, I was down! I’m soooo close to the 10 lb mark now. That was a really nice thing to see.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Yesterday I should have been back in my regular routine, but honestly, I was just worn out. I got my period (which is a good sign that things are starting to regulate in that aspect) and I was just all emotional and feeling icky. When you have been on the pill for 10+ years like I was, you kind of forget what a “normal” period is like. While on the pill, I never had cramps and never felt emotional or crabby. But, now that I’m off, it’s a whole different story. Yesterday morning I felt so awful, I almost went home.
So, I didn’t run last night. But, my plan is to run tonight. Then, I’ll have a long run on Sunday. Hopefully, it won’t be too humid and sticky out. I’m really scared of these long runs. The 10-miler is one week from this Sunday! I can’t believe how fast it’s come up. I wish I could just stop time and give myself 4 more weeks…
Before I head off for the weekend, thought I’d share with you all that another co-worker asked me how much weight I’ve lost. I can’t really believe that people see a difference in my body, but I guess that they are, and that feels good to hear.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I think I’ve gotten complacent. What once made me feel like an icy glass of water had been thrown in my face now doesn’t feel so shocking. It’s like I’ve gotten used to the idea that someone would look at me and think that I’m pregnant. All the emotions that led me to start this blog - The extreme embarrassment, the anger, the motivation – have definitely waned.
I look back at week one and I worked out like 6 days that week. Now I’m doing around 3-4. I tracked every morsel of food. Now I’m tracking food only a day or two each week.
I will say that I’ve been really focused on training for the 10 miler I have coming up. I’m running a lot more and my body has definitely been craving more fuel. And really, just being able to finish the 10 miles is a higher priority to me right now than losing pounds. So, honestly, I don’t expect too much of myself in the weight loss realm until after the 10 miler is done. It’s only 13 days away!! Ahhh! I can’t believe I signed up for this and it’s already almost here!
One of my co-workers asked me how much I’ve lost since I started running because she noticed my clothes were looser. I was really surprised to hear that because they really don’t feel looser and I haven’t even hit my 10 lb mark yet. So, I think she was just being nice. Although, this morning the scale hit a new low, I was surprised and happy to see. Maybe I’m breaking free of the +.4/-.4 pattern…
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, husband and I went out and ran some errands. I wanted to get some new running gear (shoes, new sports bra, gels for long runs) and husband wanted to get some Vibram Five Finger shoes. If you haven’t heard of these, they are very popular with the barefoot running clique. He has yet to try them in a real world scenario, so I’ll have to keep you updated on if he likes them.
Sunday, after procrastinating all morning, I finally laced up my new cushy shoes (no five fingers for me yet) and headed down to my treadmill for a planned 6 miler. In short, it sucked. I had some shooting pains in my left knee and my right heel and just felt exhausted overall. So, I jogged a half mile and quit. I hope that it’s just the new shoes that are causing me pain. I’m going to try a run tonight with my “old” shoes and see how that goes. I guess some days are good running days and some aren’t. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not worried about this stuff though. I have 2 weeks until the 10 mile race I’m signed up for and I am scared shitless.
I have to say that I’m really, really, disappointed about the numbers I’m seeing on the scale. The last few weeks it’s been like up .4, down .4. And I really feel like I’ve been taking it pretty easy with the food choices. But, I will concede that I still haven’t gotten back into tracking on SparkPeople. So, maybe that’s my snag. It’s really very disheartening though.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday morning, I met up with one of my good friends for a run around Lake Harriet in Minneapolis. Lake Harriet is 2.75 miles around and my goal was a 5-6 miler. We did one lap and I needed a break, so we walked for a bit and then I just didn’t have it in me to start up again. The run felt good, but I was disappointed and worried that I hadn’t met my goal. I have a ten mile race coming up at the end of May and I am really scared that I’m not in the condition I need to be to finish it. Also, the majority of my runs have been inside on my lovely treadmill, and I feel like I need to get used to running outside before the race.
So, Sunday, I recruited my husband to go back to Lake Harriet with me to try my 6 miler again. This time my strategy was to go as slow as I needed to and after 1 lap, stop back at the car to rehydrate and lose a layer of t-shirt. And, it was a success! I completed my first ever 6 mile run yesterday!!! There were times when it wasn’t easy. When I first realized that my husband was wearing out (around mile 4), that really got to me psychologically. But, I pushed that aside and kept going. And the last ½ mile was hard because we had to pass the point where the car was parked, and it was so very tempting to just stop there and call it good at 5.5 miles. It still seems so surreal to think that I actually did it. I’m just so proud of myself.
I’m quite sore from yesterday’s run, but not immobilized. I have a little bit of knee pain, so I was icing most of last night. I could do with a second or third ice pack on hand, I think.
I’m really happy with the progress I’ve made in my activity, but I am disappointed that the numbers on the scale are creeping down so slowly. Am I eating too much? Am I not eating enough? I’ve had the thought of, “oh, well you are probably replacing some of that fat with muscle” but honestly, I hate that statement – it seems like such an excuse.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I have not been logging any of my meals on SparkPeople this week, although I’ve tried to be really careful and aware of what I’m eating. But, I know that unless I’m really tracking what I eat, I’m setting myself up for failure.
Actually, as I was typing the above paragraph, I thought, “yeah, I’ll start tracking again on Monday” and then it occurred to me that there is no reason I can’t start tracking right now. Sometimes I’m so worried about what the numbers *might* be, that I would rather bury my head in the sand. So, I just tracked my plan for today. I was kind of afraid to because I just indulged in some cheesy hash browns from our company cafeteria AND I’m going out to lunch today with my coworkers, so I just assumed that I would be way over my calories for the day. But once I looked at the nutritional info, I realized that with a couple of minor tweaks to my plan, I CAN stay within my calories today – and that’s pretty awesome.
On Tuesday, before my 3 miler, I was trying to talk myself into doing it. Just thinking a lot about why I hesitate to do things that are good for my body. It started me thinking about my fear of running outside. And I think mostly it’s because outside I feel so exposed. Like the whole world is going to see this fat girl huffing and puffing along and they will judge me. And I realized that what I need is bravery. I want to take everything that I’m unsure about and face it head on. I want to be fearless.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I also drank way too much on Friday night – which I’m sure contributed in part to my poor eating decisions. But, it seems that every time I drink too much, the next morning I’m saying to myself, “I’m never drinking again” and then two or three weeks later, there I am, in the same position.
It’s weird how I live the same pattern over and over again. I don’t like this pattern, so why can’t I break it? How do I create a new pattern and get out of this cycle for good?
Friday, April 30, 2010
Ok, yesterday was rough all around. Work was stressful, my eating was off, my body and my brain were both exhausted. I didn’t even walk on the treadmill yesterday. I went home, took a boiling shower, put on my pjs and poured a big glass of wine. Husband and I watched a movie and ate pizza. But, after all that and a good 9 hours of sleep last night, the scale was down this morning. I might not have deserved it, but it sure helped motivate me to get right back on track this morning and I'm feeling like myself again.
Breakfast this morning:
1 C orange juice
1 C fresh mango
1 "Muffin McHealthy":
- 1 Thomas 100 calorie English muffin, toasted
- 1 egg white (scramble with salt & pepper in a ramekin. microwave 10 seconds, stir, repeat until cooked through ~ 3 10-second intervals)
- 1 Morningstar Breakfast sausage patty (optional)
- Dash of tobasco or 1 T salsa (optional)
Usually Friday is my rest day, and Saturday is my long run day, but since I didn’t do any activity yesterday, I plan to do 2 miles tonight, rest tomorrow, and 4-5 miles on Sunday. Weigh-in tomorrow morning too.
I’m so happy it’s Friday! Steven Page, play me out...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So, I’ve decided I’m taking a break for a couple of days – I mean, just from running. I’ll do a short easy walk tonight and then Friday is my rest day. I’ll try to run on Saturday and see how it goes.
I just don’t get how I could have felt so great a week ago and now I’m just totally run down. I’ve been doing great with my water, staying between 1200 and 1500 calories, really working on eating wholesome foods. This just sucks.
Sorry for the grumpy post…
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Last night I went to the gym for an elliptical workout. I took it pretty easy and did 30 minutes at a low resistance. Tonight I have another 3 mile run planned. Now, when I say run, I think you should understand that by normal standards, I mean “jog”. I’ve been running 13 minute miles, so by no means am I sprinting or anything. But, to be clear, know that I will always call any movement that is faster than a speed-walk, running.
My goal is to try to have a long run of 5 miles on Saturday. If I can do that, then next week I plan to start doing some speed work to try to get my time down a bit.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
When the “when are you due” thing happened, I decided not to tell my husband about it. The only people that know about it are my friend that was there with me and one other friend that I’ve told. And I haven’t said to anyone that I have plans to lose this weight. So, although keeping it to myself (aside from sharing with you strangers) helps me feel slightly less vulnerable, it also makes me feel a little lonely.
I haven’t proclaimed to anyone that I’m “recommitted” or “back on plan” or any of that stuff – partially because I don’t want to jinx myself. But, more importantly, I really have shied away from saying “recommitted” because, I feel like it minimizes my commitment. It makes what I’m doing feel temporary, and emphasizes that I haven’t stuck with it before.
Anyway, I was thinking about going to the vending machine for a Twix, and just wished I had a cheerleader on my side.
Yesterday when I got home from work, I hit the treadmill for a 3 miler. I did take a little walking break at 2.2, but finished up my last .8 jogging strong. No hip pain while I ran, by the way, so whatever that was about I’ll never know.
After my sweat fest, husband and I made vegetarian tacos and baked sweet potato wedges for dinner. I tracked all my food yesterday and was right around 1300 calories. So, in what universe does it make any sense that I would be the exact same weight as I was yesterday morning? Logically, I think I know that the number on the scale will catch up eventually, but there’s always a little voice that says,
“what if it doesn’t?”
I think I just need to soldier on and know that I am doing good things for my body – and that at the very least, the time that I spend on the treadmill isn’t wasted because every minute I run makes me a better runner.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, husband and I planned to do a 5k in the afternoon, but it had been really rainy in the morning, so I didn’t really want to go. And, actually, that was a huge excuse. I was really nervous about going because I don’t really like running outside – I like to know my pace and how much further I have to go, AND I like running on flat terrain, and since I didn’t know what the course would be like, I was really freaked out about it. Also, the 5k was supposed to be a pretty small group. I think only like 50 people had signed up. I much prefer the kind of races where I can blend in with the crowd and not seem like the one person who is the slowest.
But, just because I punked out on the 5k, doesn’t mean I didn’t run! I ran 3.1 miles on my treadmill at home! I felt pretty good right after –a little bit sore, but mostly good. Yesterday though, my right hip was really sore, so I don’t know if I just didn’t stretch it or if I somehow tweaked it without noticing. It’s still tender today, but I want to run again tonight. If it hurts while I run, then I’ll stop to try to avoid injury. Hopefully it’s just a sore muscle in there.
I’m hoping that I can run 3 miles tonight, 3 on Weds, 2 on Thurs, and then a 5 miler on Saturday. I’ll be really happy if I can do that this week.
Have a good Monday!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
And then I went home and ran 2 miles. Atta girl.
In other news, I weighed myself this morning and for the first time in months I am below 200. I won’t post the number since tomorrow is my official weigh-in day. It feels good to see that 1 again though.
So, I’m pretty certain that my boss has an eating disorder. She is very, very skinny and continues to make comments about feeling fat. I’m really worried about her, but don’t know what to do. I can’t believe her family and friends haven’t intervened in some way. I think for now I’m going to keep quiet, but if things don’t start to improve, I might need to talk with HR.
Official weigh-in tomorrow morning and 5K tomorrow afternoon…
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Then the cake came out. I’m not going to lie to you – it looked fucking good. The woman next to me had a piece and I could smell the heavenly chocolaty frosting. But, I stayed away from the dessert table all together and had one mini Three Musketeers instead. I think those minis are like a half of a normal bite, but I stretched it into three bites.
After work, I went to the gym and did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 30 just walking on the treadmill. I was actually just under my calories yesterday, and I was definitely feeling wiped out when I was on the elliptical.
Every month, my husband and I have a get together with some friends at a bar downtown. Usually we have dinner there and a couple of pints of beer, but last night I ate before I left to meet them and while I was there just had one glass of wine. And that was tough. I was seeing people getting plates of fries and big soft pretzels and pint after pint of beer. The smell of it all was really hard for me, but I resisted.
I feel like I should have been ecstatic about my willpower yesterday, but honestly, I am so used to cheating and feeling guilty about it the next day, it’s like my brain doesn’t really believe that I didn’t actually splurge on anything. I’ve had to kind of remind myself that I didn’t have that piece of cake, even though I imagined vividly what it would be like if I had.
This weekend, husband and I are going to run in a 5k and then meet a friend for her birthday dinner. That will be my “free” meal for the week and I feel like I’ll really deserve it after making sacrifices yesterday. It’s kind of nice to have a free meal to look forward to. And it helps me discern what temptations are “worth” straying from my goals.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I’m also noticing that I am thinking so much about my goals that it has been hard to concentrate on much else – especially at work. I’m spending a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to eat and what I’m going to do when I work out next. I have a feeling that as these things become more routine for me, I won’t need to focus so much brain power on them.
I had a good run last night – I did 2 miles. It felt really good. I tried to stick to my 1 hour of cardio goal, but ended up only doing 40 minutes. But, I’m really happy with that anyway. And tonight I have an elliptical workout planned at the gym.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I kind of broke down and told one of my other friends about the “when are you due” thing. She’s one of my closest friends, and out of our group, she’s definitely the mother hen. She’s so compassionate and gives great advice. I’m glad I told her, but it wasn’t easy or fun. Of all emotions to feel, I despise feeling embarrassed, so to relate the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me is really a struggle.
Anyway, I made it through the weekend just fine – made some good choices. One of my biggest struggles was getting all my water in, but that’s really no big deal. One thing I want to focus on is really starting to amp up my activity. I feel that I should be getting in at least an hour of cardio a day, so I’m going to start focusing on that. Tracking on SparkPeople continues to go well and I’m doing a good job keeping up with it.
I’ll close with a fairly short post today, but I just want to say that I know that in the grand scheme of things, my struggles with my weight are miniscule in comparison to the problems that other people have. I know it may sound trite to describe someone mistaking me for pregnant as one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I do tend to be a bit of a drama queen, so please don’t read this blog and think that I’m not grateful for the many wonderful things in my life. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful home, a secure job and loving and supportive friends, but my weight problem seems like a dark cloud that is always above me. And I am fortunate enough to have the ability to change it.
One last thing: Julie Moss was featured on my Radio Lab podcast (Limits) yesterday. I had never heard her story before, but it is at once heartbreaking and inspirational, so I’m posting a clip of her here for you. If you have time, look up the podcast to hear her whole story. Have a good day!
Monday, April 19, 2010
When I started seeing numbers above 200 on the scale, I was kind of thinking that it was no big deal because I was “just a little bit over 200, a mere few pounds” and that it would be really easy to get under again. And the fact that I didn’t lose enough in my first week to get back in the 100s, just affirms to me that I need to accept that I was firmly above 200 pounds. That it wasn’t just water weight that had pushed me to that 200 number.
Even though I’ve known that I’m obese for quite some time now, I’ve never thought that I looked that bad. Like, sure, I’m obese, but I’m not like orca fat. But, then last night I was watching “Friends” and Monica and Ross were talking about how they used to wrestle as kids and Monica could always pin him. And Ross (who is a whiney bitch, by the way) retorts with, “You were 200 POUNDS!” Everyone talks about Monica as being grotesquely overweight when she was a kid, which leads me to the natural conclusion that the majority of society must see 200 pounds as grotesquely overweight. And that’s how much I weigh.
So, I’m trying to reconcile my own body image with how others must view me. I feel like it’s apparent that I haven’t had a true sense of what I really look like, or even what a healthy weight looks like. So, I’m going to point to two other weight references in the media. First, have you ever seen the movie “America’s Sweethearts”? In it, Julia Roberts’ character is referenced as having recently lost a LOT of weight. They kind of go on and on about it, so you get the idea that she must have been huge. And then, Catherine Zeta-Jones says, “She lost 50 pounds.” I’ve only seen the movie once in its entirety, but I can hear Zeta-Jones’ voice clear as a bell in my head as she recites that line. Now, look at Julia Roberts. How much would you guess she weighs? She’s tall, so I’m going to just take a stab that she weighs about 125. So, if she had lost 50 pounds, that would mean she weighed 175, which is 30 pounds lighter than I was last Tuesday.
For my second media reference, I’m going to look at one of my favorite TV shows, “The Big Bang Theory”. As I’ve tried to lose weight, over most of my adult life, I’ve had in my head that my “ideal” weight is about 135 (I’m 5’4’’, so that’s not totally unrealistic). So, I’ve thought that if I actually weighed 135, I would be considered thin. Enter Penny. There’s an episode where Sheldon tries to guess Penny’s weight and he guesses 120. Penny is obviously insulted when she replies, “One-twenty?!” My thought here was, “Penny thinks that 120 is fat! And my GOAL is 15 pounds higher than that!”
But, my whole point here is that they write these shows to try and identify with the majority of the audience. So either, the show writers are failing miserably and don’t realize that the majority of their audience can’t relate to the idea that someone who is 5’10’’ and weighs 175 is FAT, OR the show writers are spot-on and I am, in fact, the minority. This would mean that everyone else around me sees me as obese and gross. Has my mental image of my how I really look been so clouded?
I’ll close today with a quote from the above referenced “The Big Bang Theory” episode:
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Yesterday afternoon, I went to the gym with little internal struggle over it and did 10 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the elliptical. I’m still really sore from my Wednesday night strength training class, so I’ve decided to take today off from activity. My plan is to run tomorrow, hopefully more than just .5.
Food wise, I’m still doing pretty well. Tonight I’m meeting a friend for sushi. I’m hesitant to make tonight’s outing my “free” meal because I don’t want to see a discouraging number on the scale tomorrow morning and I’m pretty sure that my husband and I will go out to dinner tomorrow night and I’d like to save my freebie for that meal. So, I plan to go pretty easy on the sushi tonight.
Ok, that’s all – I weigh-in tomorrow morning and will keep you updated. Thanks for reading!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Ok, so there are a couple of things I’ve been thinking about. First, the concept of a “free” day. I’m really scared to allow myself to do something like this for fear that I won’t be able to get back on track. But, the thing is that on the weekends, my husband and I like to do things around town and often those things we like to do involve food and drink. We eat out at restaurants at least once per week, where I generally let myself order whatever sounds best. And I see now where that habit has gotten me. So, I’m kind of torn between wanting to live a normal life, enjoying eating out once a week and wanting to be strict about following my plan. What I’ve decided is that instead of a “free” day, I will have a “free” meal – one meal per week that I don’t have to track if I don’t want to. And if, down the road, I find that this isn’t working for me, I can make adjustments then.
The second thing I’ve been mulling isn’t quite as easy. I really want to understand why I let myself get this way. It’s not as if I woke up one morning and I was fat all of a sudden. I have a whole lifetime of memories about my weight/body image:
· Age 11 – become self-conscious of my large breasts
· Age 12-13 – I have a memory of standing in my bra and underwear in front of my mirror and thinking that maybe I had a pretty good body, but could probably lose a few pounds
· Age 14 (~140) – wanted to lose 15 pounds so I could wear a body suit like my tiny best friend
· Age 15 (~145) – wore a corset under my homecoming dress, worried my date would feel it
· Age 16 (~160)– first time on a formal weight loss program (Jenny Craig) – the center closed after I had been on the plan for a few months - I resumed my unhealthy habits
· Age 17 (~170)– first love called me “chubby” during a make-out session, broke my heart 1 month later (still not entirely over it)
· Age 18 (~180)– first year of college, I tried not eating for two weeks by claiming I “just wasn’t feeling hungry”, lost a pants size and resumed eating
· Age 22 – (~180) senior year of college, I resolved to lose 50 lbs before graduation to look good when my dad saw me for the first time in 9 years. Didn’t follow through.
· Post college (~180)– started and stopped WW at least 4 times with no significant progress
· Wedding – lost 25 lbs right before my wedding ( 155 lowest weight since age 16)
And now, since my wedding (4 years ago), I’ve gained 50 lbs.
So, why didn’t any of the previous times I’ve lost weight (or thought about losing it) work? My first instinct is that I’m lazy, but I don’t suppose that is a very good answer. Is there something more than that?
I do have a theory, but first I should share a couple of things – 1) I have really bad skin. The kind of acne that gets you pity stares in public. It’s a million times better now than in high school and college, but still it’s pretty embarrassing to be getting teenager zits when you are in your early 30’s. I will never forget the time when I flew home to visit my mom after college and when I got off the plane, the first thing she said to me was, “What happened to your face?” Thanks, mom. Missed you too. 2) I hate my breasts and always have. I think they are obscene and ugly. I’m not really sure who thinks that girls with big boobs like them, but it seemed that everyone thought that they were just grand, and I should be so grateful for them. But, I hated them. And since I was so overly sensitive about them, my good friends teased me about it in high school.
So, this is my theory: I was an only child raised by a single mom and around the time I was 11 or 12, she got a boyfriend (who I didn’t get along with) and I became extremely isolated and lonely. To comfort myself, I would come home from school and make cinnamon toast and milk. I’d start with two slices and eventually worked my way up to eating almost a whole loaf of bread in one sitting. I think that this is how food first became my “friend”. I learned to associate food with my emotions. And I think this was right around the time that I was pretty uncomfortable with people noticing me (my face and my boobs), and so I think that I kept on eating for comfort, and built up this little protective shell all around me. And I think I got really emotionally comfortable in my shell and I carved out a personality for myself which revolved around being the fat girl – being the girl who wanted things, but never got them; the girl who stared things but never finished them. I see this not only in my weight issue, but in my career, and my relationships as well.
I think that my relationship with my parents is also a factor in all of this. Not that I’m blaming them, because I’m an adult now and I make the decisions about my health, but I think these aspects are important to note. I don’t have a relationship with my father and have felt that he didn’t love me because I wasn’t good enough. My relationship with my mother is complicated and probably not healthy, and I place a lot of blame on her for the decisions she made when I was growing up. But the crux of it is that I’ve never gotten any optimism out of either of my parents – never any sense of “you can be or do anything that you want without judgment”.
So that’s my theory right now. I still don’t really understand how this emotional stuff gets all twisted around in the brain, but I guess no one really does. It’s really scary to think about unraveling the self-image I’ve had for at least 20 years – and it’s really terrifying to think that one day, food won’t be my comfort anymore. I feel sad about it – isn’t it crazy? I actually feel sad thinking that one day I’ll be so healthy that binging on pizza won’t make me feel safe and cozy.
Well, this has been a great therapy session – sorry for the super long post, but I needed it. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Tracking food on SparkPeople continues to go pretty well. I’m nervous about how I will do with it over the weekend, but as it’s going right now, I like it a lot better than WW. The thing with points is that they are so easy to remember, once you assign a point value to a food, you always think about the points every time you have that food. But, calories are harder numbers to remember, so I feel like I am making choices based on healthier foods in general, rather than foods I know are just low in points. And the way the SparkPeople nutrition tracker is set up, I’m definitely thinking more about the nutrients that are in my food too.
I have another happy thing to discuss today – I finally got my period. Almost 2 months to the day since my last one. All of a sudden, a light bulb has come on for me & I’m now pretty convinced that I’m only ovulating with one ovary. About two years ago, while I was on the pill, I started to have some cramping and discomfort on my left side. It was pretty intermittent, but worried me enough to see my doctor. She thought that I was constipated and never discussed with me the possibility that it could be a cyst. Since the same cramping, uncomfortable feeling has continued to happen every now and then in the same spot, AND since I’m only having a period every other month, I think that it’s a cyst and it’s preventing me from ovulating on that side. So, I’m going to try to make an appointment with a new doctor and see if we can get this taken care of. And, you know, maybe since I’m not a medical professional, I’m wrong about this, so at the very least maybe we can figure out why my periods are all screwed up.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
So, tonight I had planned on going to a strength training class after work. But, as the afternoon goes on, I just don’t want to go. I’m nervous about going, yes, but also I’m just feeling tired. I’ve been trying to bargain with myself to get out of it. It just kind of sucks because the class isn’t until 5:10, and I’m done with work at 4, so since I don’t really have enough time to go home and come back, I still have an hour to kill.
Ok, just writing this makes me feel a little bit better. I don’t want to make any more excuses. So, what I’ll do is stay at work just a few minutes late and then go to the gym and walk on the treadmill for a half hour or so before the class starts, and then give the class a try. Good choices aren’t always easy choices.
A while ago, I was reading a book where the author discussed how being hungry isn’t the end of the world and you should let yourself experience hunger. I think that to an extent, this is true, but often I don’t realize I’m just hungry until I’m starving. And getting to that point often leads me into a binge. And since I want to avoid binging, I want to avoid getting hungry. But, I’m realizing that maybe I should learn how to manage my hunger (regardless of the severity) without binging.
Monday I was definitely feeling a binge coming on. When I got home from the gym, I was famished. I had some cantaloupe and a Kashi bar for an afternoon snack around 2:00, but by the time I got home around 5:30, I really wanted to raid the cupboards and eat everything I could before my husband got home. I’m a very creative binger. Even if left with fairly healthy things in the house, I will MacGyver them into fodder for a binge. I have made impromptu cookie dough in a cereal bowl with butter, sugar, flour, and vanilla. Sometimes, I’ll take my reduced-fat Skippy and add melted butter and powdered sugar to it to make a frosting type thing that I eat by the spoonful. But, on Monday, definitely still fueled by Sunday’s incident, I had the willpower to not go there. Instead, I drank a big glass of water with lemon juice in it, and I had one slice of bread with 1 T of peanut butter on it, and then I stepped away from the kitchen.
Logging my food into SparkPeople has been really good. I’m pretty impressed with the wealth of food items they have stored, and I’m a lot more conscious of my protein, carbs, and sodium than I ever was on WW. Yesterday, I had a high-protein snack in the afternoon and I noticed it definitely helped keep me satisfied until dinner.
Yesterday, I stepped out of my comfort zone and attended a yoga class during the lunch hour. I’m happy to report that it went pretty well. I think I did most of the poses correctly, and I definitely felt like I got a workout, so that’s really good. Tonight, I’m going to a strength training class after work…also nervous about this, but every day, it’s going to be easier, right?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So, anyway, I was lying in bed on Sunday night, wallowing, when I realized that my boobs had been particularly tender. Then, I thought, “Wow, is it possible that I could be pregnant?” I launched into this all out fantasy where I take the pregnancy test in the morning and it’s positive. I imagined how I would tell my husband and then go into work with a bounce in my step, eager to tell my friend that ‘lo and behold! the pedicurist was right! I look pregnant because I am! Yippee!’
But, it was negative.
I was so preoccupied with taking the test yesterday that I forgot to weigh myself for posterity, so without further adieu….205.6 is the ugly truth from this morning. My weigh-in routine is first thing in the morning, empty bladder, pjs on. And I’m one of those people who weigh pretty much every day, but never more than once per day.
The last several months I’ve been weighing and not really thinking too much about the number. I wasn’t watching what I ate and exercising pretty infrequently, so the number would come up, I would take a passing notice and move on with my day. This is not to say I was happy with the numbers I was seeing, but for the most part I reserved judgment about them. I feel that now the time for reserving judgment has passed.
I have a friend who tells me I am my own harshest critic. This is true. I definitely feel that I need to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else. I’m not an all out perfectionist, but the perfection tendencies that I DO have, hold me back. Especially with running – I often will run and feel like I’m not going far or fast enough, so then I’ll quit for several weeks (or months).
Yesterday, I stayed pretty well on track. I logged my calories on SparkPeople and went to the gym after work. I’m trying to tell myself that each day I go to the gym will be more comfortable than the last. I try not to look at anyone, lest they look at me. At the gym, I walked/ran on the treadmill. About a month ago, I was running 2-3 miles fairly comfortably, but then I took a hiatus from all activity. I guess I was expecting that I’d be right back at the 2 mile mark, but I was struggling yesterday. I pushed myself to jog .5 and then I walked the rest. But, it will get better, right?
Today I’m really going out of my comfort zone and going to the gym over lunch for a yoga class. Ate a good breakfast today (bumped up the protein by having an egg white on my English muffin) and have healthy meals planned.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I feel like I can totally understand why the pedicurist would think I was pregnant. First, we were talking about our friends' pregnancies, so if she just listened to half of the conversation, I can see how she might think one of us was. And then she probably noticed my huge belly - which I really can't hide when I'm sitting down - and my recent acne break out, AND my huge boobs. I totally get why someone would think I was pregnant.
I had the thought – is it actually good that this happened to me? It IS getting me to think about healthier choices. Am I going to want to thank her down the road for honestly telling me what my friends and family could not? But really, it doesn’t feel like a good thing at all– even if it spurs me to lose weight, I am so ashamed that this had to be the thing that did it.
I didn’t sleep well last night. I just had a lot of stuff running through my head. I wish I could transfer all the nervous energy in my brain to my body to convert it into a super fat burning machine.
I did take some little steps last night to help me get on the right track today: I prepped a bunch of fruit and veggies to take to work for snacks this week. I planned my lunch (I’ve been eating out a lot at work lately). I got out my gym bag and put clean workout clothes in it. (This is actually the lame excuse I have for not going to the gym since January – I took my sweaty workout clothes home to be washed and it took me about a month to get around to washing them, and I never put them back in my gym bag to take back to work. I feel really stupid that I let 3 months of potential workouts slip by because of this.)
Going to the gym actually takes a lot of courage for me. I just never feel like I fit in.
This morning I ate a pretty good breakfast at home and I’ve already drank 32 oz of water. I’ve done the “starting over” thing so many damn times, I feel kind of on auto pilot about what I am supposed to be doing.
I’m mulling over going back to WW. I’m really not crazy about it. I mean, I’ve been to all the meetings before, but maybe I really do need that accountability. For a while, WW was like my church. I would go every week and listen to the sermon. But, that got really old. Maybe I can just go and weigh-in and skip the meetings if I don’t feel like staying.
So, how am I feeling? Aside from still reeling from embarrassment, I’m feeling very cautious. I don’t feel optimistic and I don’t really want to. I’m afraid that I will lull myself into a false sense of success.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
So, I don't have a good relationship with my father. My parents divorced before I was 1, so I grew up as an only child with just my mom. I would talk to him on the phone on holidays and whenever I was in trouble and my mom was fed up with me. And, I would spend a week each summer at his house. If I had to describe my father in 3 words, they would be: Philanderer, Republican, and Alcoholic. I could throw misogynist into the mix, but that would be 4 words and perhaps it's already implied under Philanderer. Many beliefs I hold tight to derive from trying not to be like him as much as possible.
As I've grown into adulthood, I've had moments where I've felt like this relationship isn't working for me and I need/want more from him, but in all cases, trying for that kind of relationship just left me feeling even more disappointed. We didn't invite him to our wedding and I haven't seen him since I graduated from college nearly 10 years ago.
About two years ago, he called me up out of the blue (it wasn't a holiday or my birthday) and he was obviously drunk and slurring his words. I was going through some yucky work stuff and had just quit my job, but before I got a chance to tell him about that, he started to pick a fight with me about politics and how I was going to vote in the upcoming election. It pissed me off on many levels, but mostly I think because here's a man who never speaks to me, who really doesn't know me at all (our normal holiday conversations usually revolve around the weather), and he presumes to call me and berate me. I didn't call him for Father's Day that year. Or his birthday. Or Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. I felt (and still do feel) that I deserved an apology. A sober apology. He offered none and all I've seen/heard from him since are cards for my birthday and christmas that only say, "Love, Dad."
But, aside from deserving an apology, I really think that this incident has given me the excuse I wanted for a long time - finally a reason to say, "Look, this relationship isn't working for me and I'm much happier when you aren't in my life." But, I haven't said that to him because it's not easy to say and I hope that he'll just realize on his own what a jackass he is.
Since then, J and I bought our house and moved away from the apartment. We got rid of our landline and switched to cell phones, although my cell has the same old landline number. I got a birthday card from him this year, but it was a week late because it was forwarded from our old address - a christmas card didn't come and I think it was returned to sender because the forwarding has expired. So, right after the new year, I started getting phone calls from Washington state (where he lives - although from a different city than he lived two years ago) - I can only guess that the xmas card was returned and he wants to know where I live now.
I haven't answered any of his calls. My voicemail is just the automated one, so he would have no way of knowing if the number still belongs to me, but he hasn't left any messages. I feel like if he really cared (which I believe he is incapable of), he would have either called/written me a long time ago or swallowed his pride and left a message to the effect of, "Hi, I don't know if this is the right number, but I'm trying to get in touch with Laura". Alternatively, he could google my name and find out where I work (it's on linkedin) or see that I'm on facebook and send me a message. I feel like he could find me if he really cared to. I think that he has no clue at all why I wouldn't want to talk to him and that he's angry that I haven't made an effort. Maybe he doesn't even remember calling me that one day. Maybe he's also glad to have the excuse not to keep in touch.
So, anyway - I did warn you this was going to be long winded - my dad has 3 other kids from Wife #2 and all of this thinking about him recently has made me...curious about them. I haven't seen them since the oldest was about 12 and the youngest was about 7, and that was approx 18 years ago. So, putting my investigation skills to work, I found one of my half-brothers on myspace. It's very strange seeing pictures of this man. If I walked by him on the street, I'd have no idea who he was. I could talk about how we don't look much alike, but maybe a little in the smile. Or about what I can guess about him from looking at his pictures. But, here's the sliver of info that I really thought was interesting: he's athletic. Tall, medium build, strong arms with big biceps.
I've never ever thought of myself as athletic in any way, shape or form. Even though my dad was a baseball player back in the day, I've always perceived myself as being cut from the same cloth as my mother...stocky, uncoordinated, slow. But, all of a sudden, I see photographic proof that there is athleticism somewhere in my genes. It has me thinking all kinds of stuff about how the people around you shape your perceptions - how would my view of myself have been different if I had ever considered myself as one of *them*? If I had seen, day in and day out, people around me sharing half of the same genetic material, doing sporty things, would I have done, enjoyed, been good at those things? From a psycology perspective - have I favored my "nurture" too much over my "nature"? Maybe in trying to not be like my father as much as possible, I've overlooked some positive possibilities.
So, that's the marble that's been rolling around the last week or so. And, it has me feeling somewhat optimistic...that my body, my life, doesn't have to be what I've always assumed it would be...I just might have it in my genes to be something more.
I haven't posted in a while because I've been ashamed. I haven't kept up with any of what I said I was going to do. So, I'm sorry about that. Hopefully, one day I can look back on this and see it as one of those bumps in the road and feel pride that I got it back together.
Monday, January 4, 2010
I didn't really discuss this in my previous post, but I ate like crap over the last 2 weeks of December - it's how it always goes, I guess. But, now here we are in a new year, a clean slate, if you will. I've been on track for 3ish days and I am definitely feeling so much better - hydrated, full of vitamins, just feeling good in general. Isn't it funny how one can *forget* what it feels like to feel good? I don't realize how bad I'm feeling until I'm starting to feel better - I have the same thoughts when I clean my windows - you don't realize how dirty your windows are until you wash them.
I've got another trip to the Y planned for after work tonight. It's going well so far. I really like having the perk of sitting in the sauna as my post workout reward. And it's really nice to have the machines with their own private TVs attached - last Thursday I watched Romancing the Stone while I was on the elliptical :)
I'm still working out a few of the kinks as far as having shower supplies, etc in my locker, but it's getting better - oh, and as a side note, I apparently am so high maintenance that one half-sized locker is not quite enough for all my crap...but I do attibute this to the fact that I have a winter coat and boots to store in there while I'm working out.
Mississippi Ten Miler
It's been a while since I've given an update on this - the reason being I am scared out of my mind about doing this run and I have not been doing my planned training. But, I really am trying to face my fears and get with the program - I have a run planned tonight at the Y.
So, Prior Fat Girl was blogging about reading the Beck Diet for Life book & since it's all about the psychology behind weight loss, it seemed right up my alley. So, I ordered a copy from Amazon - it should be arriving this week. I am a little skeptical - partially because books with hokey worksheets kind of annoy me, but I'll let you know what I think.
I started my Spark People account a couple of months ago, but wasn't great at getting into the swing of it. I sort of feel like it's a lot of info to manage. And one thing I really dislike about online food trackers, in general, is that it's not easy to track foods that aren't grocery store available - like if I go out to eat, it's not easy to track online because I spend a long time trying to dissect every part of what I ate into individual ingredients. I would much rather have the option to put down "two cheese enchilladas" and not know the exact calories. The same goes with recipes I make at home...I just find it tedious to break it all down.
But, I do like that Spark People has little goals - the water consumption goal, for example is great. So, there are definitely parts of the site that I like and will try to use more of.
Speaking of water...my H2O goal for December went totally caput when our family arrived. It all of a sudden was just really hard to remember to get my water in. But, January is a new month and I'll try my water goal again! So far so good, I've met my goal 4/4 days!
I'm very relieved and happy to report that J, who lost his job in October, is now employed! He got a job offer with a big company last week and has accepted it. I think he's really happy that he'll be working again, even though the job isn't perfect, I think it will be a pretty good fit down the line. :-)
Whew! This was a lengthy post! Thanks for hanging in there with me! I wanted to make one more little note. Those weights on the side over there? <------ I'm going to wipe them out and start anew. Partially because I haven't updated them in a long time, and also because I gained several pounds in December.
Ok, TTFN! Have a great day!