Changing the Story

Sorry, I have been incommunicado the last few days – not really a ton to report. I’ve been doing ok on my food choices, tracking most of the time. No activity in for a while, which is not good. I think that I feel weird about working out right after work when J is home…like I sort of feel like I should be spending time with him – it was easier to go down to the basement and hop on the treadmill when he wasn’t there when I got home. It’s a very shabby excuse, I know, but I’m working on it.

I had the most annoying baby cold last week. It started with a sore throat on Monday and Tuesday and then I got a little better on Wednesday, but yesterday, sore throat, cough and stuffy nose. It wasn't really bad enough for me to miss work or take anything for it (aside from some Advil and Halls, I guess), but it definitely had me feeling worn out and annoyed.

BL update

So, Tuesday’s episode of BL was probably the best so far this season – game play is definitely in full swing and there is no shortage of crazy. Tracey is such a nutcase, I can’t believe they didn’t want her gone. On the other hand, since Mo threw himself under the bus, they might as well take the opportunity to give him the axe now and know they can get rid of Tracey later.

I thought there were some really sweet gestures last week – Rebecca offering her video from home to Dina, and Liz giving Danny her video from home…I bawled when he was like, “That’s MY family!” Those three are definitely becoming my faves.

However, I thought the most interesting thing was the story around Dina. She was working out with Jillian & was supposed to jump up on this little platform, probably about a foot off the ground, and she just couldn’t do it. She would give these little half-assed girly jumps about 4 inches high and just was unable to bend her knees in the air and get on the platform. I found myself trying to will her to get up on that little stool. She seems so scared to just jump, and it seems so easy. It’s like her brain just does not want to allow her body to do it. Jillian talked with her about how she needs to change the story that is going through her head, or nothing in her life will change; she might lose the weight, but unless she gets past the mental things that are holding her back, she won’t be able to keep it off. This struck a huge chord with me.

When I think about the story that I have for myself, I see how I relive it over and over.  I was looking at some pictures of me on FB the other day and realized that in every picture, I know exactly what I was thinking at that moment.  I was thinking, "I hate having my picture taken because I'm so fat, but starting tomorrow, it's all going to change and next year at this event, I'll be at my goal."  I also know that after each of those pictures was taken, I made a beeline to the food table and had a piece of cake, or second helping of some kind of chip & dip, or another glass of wine.  And, after consoling myself with junk food, I forget about my mental resolution and continue my regular habits.  So, that's the story of how I make goals. 

That's not the only story I've got going on in this head of mine.  I also have a story about my fitness abilities.  I was never an athletic kid.  I had asthma and was allowed to use that as an excuse not to be physically active.  Truthfully, physical activity scares me a little.  A few years ago, I got a bee in my bonnet to run a 5k.  I trained and ran it and finished feeling really great about myself.  I've participated in several more since then, running two or three all the way through, but most of them, I've walked for at least part, if not all of it.  Now, this has become my story: I will sign up for a race, train for a few weeks (2 or 3), decide that my training isn't progressing how I think it should, stop training and when race day comes, I'll run as far as I can (which usually isn't far) and walk the rest.  Then, my physcial activity stops until I sign up for another 5k with the great aspiration of running the whole thing.  I never would call myself a failure for this behavior, because I rationalize that at least I'm getting out there and doing it, but I never feel accomplished afterward, so I let myself FEEL like a failure.  I know that I can get by without having to challenge myself too much, so I don't.  How can it be that I'd rather feel like a failure than push myself out of my comfort zone? 

So, now I know about two paths I have carved out for myself - I'm sure there are more.  But, the real question is, how do I change these?  How do I let go of the behavoirs I'm comfortable with?  How do I take what I know and rewrite my story?

life, in a nutshell

hello, my little twisters.  well, things are getting a little better at our house - starting to come to grips with J's career change and starting to feel a little more normal to have him home all day long.  i used to always be the first person home in the afternoon, so it's kind of weird to have him there when i get home.

one of my favorite bnl songs is playing on my pandora station right now:  "life, in a nutshell"  - favorite verse:
"i fell down,
with no one there to catch me from fallin',
then she came around,
and only
her tenderness
stopped me from bawlin'
my eyes out - i'm okay."

steven page, i love your voice. seriously.

the reason i'm here

i've been doing ok on my health/fitness goals this week.  haven't been too bad with my eating - mostly because i'm trying not to spend unnecessary money on junk food at work.  i have not, however, been writing down my food choices, i hope to get back into that groove next week.  i also have not been working out. at all.  so, i would like to get back into that swing again also -  i just need to gear myself up a bit for it.  so, i'll start gearing up now...i will run on saturday.  i will run on saturday. i will run on saturday...

biggest loser update

how about biggest loser on tuesday?  i've said it before and i'll say it again: tracey is a nutter!!! she does that wide-eyed, crazy woman look and i just want to smack her upside the head.  i'm hoping she gets the heave-ho next week. i do like the girls on the pink team, but i'm getting really sick of hearing, "america picked me, so i owe it to them..." i actually voted for the other girl at last season's finale, anyway.  i think i'm going to be an orange team fan.  daniel seems like a sweet kid & i hope he gets rewarded for all the hard work he's done already. 

lemoncello (or limoncello if you want to be snooty about it)

so, i mentioned earlier this week that i was going to start making a batch of homemade lemoncello.  after reading some blogs that all claimed to have the BEST recipe, i found one that sounded good and started two batches last night.  i did one batch of lemoncello and one batch of grapefruitcello. 
10 organic lemons
1 liter Everclear

4 organic grapefruit
1 liter Everclear

i zested the fruit, careful to avoid the pith and added the zest to the Everclear.  now, it's supposed to sit for 4 days - 2 weeks.  we're hoping to do a taste test at our halloween party, so i think what i'll do is let it sit for 2 weeks, until the 21st, and then add the simple syrup, bottle them and let them sit another 10 days until the halloween party.  i'm a little skeptical about how the grapefruit is going to turn out.  i think i should have used ruby red grapefruit, but i just used the normal grapefuit that Trader Joe's had.  we'll just have to see, i guess.

halloween party

so, i mentioned our halloween party.  i like planning and i like pleasing people, so hosting parties is really something i enjoy.  we've had an "annual" halloween party for i think 3 years...we skipped last year because we were out of town for J's brother's wedding.  so, i'm looking forward to having it this year. plus, it's the first year in our huge house, instead of our tiny apartment.  the theme this year is in memory of the late, great John Hughes.  so, everyone can come dressed as a John Hughes character.  i think i have a pretty good idea for a costume, but i'll keep it a surprise. besides, i'm not sure if i can pull it off.

well, that's about all that's going on with me.  weigh-in tomorrow morning! and tomorrow's friday...i need a weekend in the worst way...

TTFN!

Funk

I didn't write yesterday because I didn't really have anything interesting, or nice, to say.  I've been in a funk all week.  And one funk day has just led to another and another for me.  I'm tired and cranky and feeling lonely and unmotivated.  My weight has been creeping up on the scale too.  I know that in order to feel better, I need to get back on track, cease the negative self-talk, and get some activity in, but the whiney 4 year old part of me just wants to wallow in it for a bit. 

I already had a chocolate chocolate chip muffin for breakfast this morning and I'm trying not to think that my day is shot.  I used to have a WW leader who would say, "If you accidentally break one dish, do you then go to the cupboard and break all the rest?"  Of course not.  One bad meal doesn't have to mean that I can't make good choices the rest of today.  Even if I don't feel like it.

Today is October 1st.  Time will march on even if I don't stick to my plan.  Time won't stop because I'm mopey. 

There will be shitty days.  There will be days I don't feel like running.  There will be days when I want to eat a whole pizza.  There will be awesome days.  Days that I feel like I could run a little further.  Days when I can easily say no to a slice of pizza.  But, most of the time, there will be so-so days, where choices are small challenges, but not insurmountable. 

I'll get out of this funk soon.  Maybe what I need is a fun weekend....

BL was awesome on Tuesday - lots of drama, which I love.  That Tracey is Looney Tunes! She's got the crazy eyes for sure.  She's really the only person I don't like.  Orange team, pink team, and green team are all starting to stand out to me.  Every season I wonder if I'll have that one person I really start to root for (like last season's Tara), who will it be this season?

So, I listened to some more of "Skinny Bitch" on tape.  I got to the second disk before I couldn't take anymore.  I just found it really condesending, harsh, and just plain annoying.  I've dabbled in vegetarian and dairy-free diets before, but for me, it's just not a realistic or balanced way to eat.  The great thing about trying to be vegetarian is that it exposed me to lots of great low cal, alternatives to meat that I probably would never have tried otherwise.  Now, I'm listening to a Lewis Black book on tape.  He's hilarious.  So, it's like I've traded a bitchy, snooty girl yelling at me for Lewis Black yelling at me...a great trade in my opinion.

Well, that's about all for today.  Friday is almost here...ugh, time flies.  :-p

Hunger sneaking up on me

I had a bit of a tough night last night.  Had planned my run, even got to the point of tying my shoes and then the fear hit.  I just didn't want to do it.  And I didn't.  Part of it, besides the fear I think, was that I was hungry.  In hindsight, I could have just taken five minutes to eat an apple and maybe the night would have turned out differently.  But, I didn't. 

Instead of running, I decided to get started on dinner and do some housework.  I planned to make split pea soup - which I love and is perfect for this cooler weather we're having.   But, what stinks is that it takes about 2 hours to make.  This wouldn't really have been an issue, but I was already hungry.  Overly hungry = binge eating.  The binging wasn't as bad as it could have been, for sure, but it certainly made me feel guilty and there was some inner negative talk going on.  So, while the soup was cooking, I ate a serving of Easy Mac, a special K bar, and a tablespoon of peanut butter.  After the peanut butter, I caught myself trying to come up with creative concoctions to make healthy ingredients unhealthy, and snapped myself out of it. 

I'm not great at recognizing when I'm hungry.  Sometimes, I'll realize that I'm thinking about food a lot, and that's a cue for me, but more often than not, I'll just be going about my life and all of a sudden hunger will hit me like a ton of bricks.  And it's ravenous hunger.  I rarely feel when I'm just starting to get hungry.  I'm hoping that with time, I can get better at that. 

So, I overate and didn't exercise last night.  It is what it is.

I started "Skinny Bitch" yesterday and listened some more this morning during my bus commute.  It's pretty harsh, but there's not a lot of info that's a surprise to me.  So far, it's been about not putting sugar or chemicals into your body.  There's a lot of praise for organic foods, and a lot of criticisim of overly processed foods and artificial sweeteners.  I'm not a smoker, occasionally drink coffee, and I rarely drink soda, so the critiques on those issues didn't really bother me.  I'm not sure I'm ready to totally cut high fructose corn syrup or asparatame totally out of my diet, but I figure it can't hurt to be more aware of what is in what I'm eating. 

Biggest Loser is on tonight - I know, I'm a sap, but I love it.  I don't love any of the contestants so far this season...we'll see how tonight goes.  I know I'll get invested in it. 

TTFN!