Changing the Story

Sorry, I have been incommunicado the last few days – not really a ton to report. I’ve been doing ok on my food choices, tracking most of the time. No activity in for a while, which is not good. I think that I feel weird about working out right after work when J is home…like I sort of feel like I should be spending time with him – it was easier to go down to the basement and hop on the treadmill when he wasn’t there when I got home. It’s a very shabby excuse, I know, but I’m working on it.

I had the most annoying baby cold last week. It started with a sore throat on Monday and Tuesday and then I got a little better on Wednesday, but yesterday, sore throat, cough and stuffy nose. It wasn't really bad enough for me to miss work or take anything for it (aside from some Advil and Halls, I guess), but it definitely had me feeling worn out and annoyed.

BL update

So, Tuesday’s episode of BL was probably the best so far this season – game play is definitely in full swing and there is no shortage of crazy. Tracey is such a nutcase, I can’t believe they didn’t want her gone. On the other hand, since Mo threw himself under the bus, they might as well take the opportunity to give him the axe now and know they can get rid of Tracey later.

I thought there were some really sweet gestures last week – Rebecca offering her video from home to Dina, and Liz giving Danny her video from home…I bawled when he was like, “That’s MY family!” Those three are definitely becoming my faves.

However, I thought the most interesting thing was the story around Dina. She was working out with Jillian & was supposed to jump up on this little platform, probably about a foot off the ground, and she just couldn’t do it. She would give these little half-assed girly jumps about 4 inches high and just was unable to bend her knees in the air and get on the platform. I found myself trying to will her to get up on that little stool. She seems so scared to just jump, and it seems so easy. It’s like her brain just does not want to allow her body to do it. Jillian talked with her about how she needs to change the story that is going through her head, or nothing in her life will change; she might lose the weight, but unless she gets past the mental things that are holding her back, she won’t be able to keep it off. This struck a huge chord with me.

When I think about the story that I have for myself, I see how I relive it over and over.  I was looking at some pictures of me on FB the other day and realized that in every picture, I know exactly what I was thinking at that moment.  I was thinking, "I hate having my picture taken because I'm so fat, but starting tomorrow, it's all going to change and next year at this event, I'll be at my goal."  I also know that after each of those pictures was taken, I made a beeline to the food table and had a piece of cake, or second helping of some kind of chip & dip, or another glass of wine.  And, after consoling myself with junk food, I forget about my mental resolution and continue my regular habits.  So, that's the story of how I make goals. 

That's not the only story I've got going on in this head of mine.  I also have a story about my fitness abilities.  I was never an athletic kid.  I had asthma and was allowed to use that as an excuse not to be physically active.  Truthfully, physical activity scares me a little.  A few years ago, I got a bee in my bonnet to run a 5k.  I trained and ran it and finished feeling really great about myself.  I've participated in several more since then, running two or three all the way through, but most of them, I've walked for at least part, if not all of it.  Now, this has become my story: I will sign up for a race, train for a few weeks (2 or 3), decide that my training isn't progressing how I think it should, stop training and when race day comes, I'll run as far as I can (which usually isn't far) and walk the rest.  Then, my physcial activity stops until I sign up for another 5k with the great aspiration of running the whole thing.  I never would call myself a failure for this behavior, because I rationalize that at least I'm getting out there and doing it, but I never feel accomplished afterward, so I let myself FEEL like a failure.  I know that I can get by without having to challenge myself too much, so I don't.  How can it be that I'd rather feel like a failure than push myself out of my comfort zone? 

So, now I know about two paths I have carved out for myself - I'm sure there are more.  But, the real question is, how do I change these?  How do I let go of the behavoirs I'm comfortable with?  How do I take what I know and rewrite my story?

Hunger sneaking up on me

I had a bit of a tough night last night.  Had planned my run, even got to the point of tying my shoes and then the fear hit.  I just didn't want to do it.  And I didn't.  Part of it, besides the fear I think, was that I was hungry.  In hindsight, I could have just taken five minutes to eat an apple and maybe the night would have turned out differently.  But, I didn't. 

Instead of running, I decided to get started on dinner and do some housework.  I planned to make split pea soup - which I love and is perfect for this cooler weather we're having.   But, what stinks is that it takes about 2 hours to make.  This wouldn't really have been an issue, but I was already hungry.  Overly hungry = binge eating.  The binging wasn't as bad as it could have been, for sure, but it certainly made me feel guilty and there was some inner negative talk going on.  So, while the soup was cooking, I ate a serving of Easy Mac, a special K bar, and a tablespoon of peanut butter.  After the peanut butter, I caught myself trying to come up with creative concoctions to make healthy ingredients unhealthy, and snapped myself out of it. 

I'm not great at recognizing when I'm hungry.  Sometimes, I'll realize that I'm thinking about food a lot, and that's a cue for me, but more often than not, I'll just be going about my life and all of a sudden hunger will hit me like a ton of bricks.  And it's ravenous hunger.  I rarely feel when I'm just starting to get hungry.  I'm hoping that with time, I can get better at that. 

So, I overate and didn't exercise last night.  It is what it is.

I started "Skinny Bitch" yesterday and listened some more this morning during my bus commute.  It's pretty harsh, but there's not a lot of info that's a surprise to me.  So far, it's been about not putting sugar or chemicals into your body.  There's a lot of praise for organic foods, and a lot of criticisim of overly processed foods and artificial sweeteners.  I'm not a smoker, occasionally drink coffee, and I rarely drink soda, so the critiques on those issues didn't really bother me.  I'm not sure I'm ready to totally cut high fructose corn syrup or asparatame totally out of my diet, but I figure it can't hurt to be more aware of what is in what I'm eating. 

Biggest Loser is on tonight - I know, I'm a sap, but I love it.  I don't love any of the contestants so far this season...we'll see how tonight goes.  I know I'll get invested in it. 

TTFN!