This is a rare, Sunday post because I have some thoughts that have been turning around since last night.
First, I have to say that last night we had an awesome time with some old co-workers of J's. We had a great dinner at Brit's Pub in downtown Minneapolis, where they were celebrating St. Crispin's Day . We all tried Crispin apple cider (FYI, Crispin is made right here in our fair city, folks) for the first time and I think all of us would give a hearty thumbs up - the honey crisp flavor in particular, was excellent.
After dinner, we walked down to the real event of the evening - the first bout of the North Star Roller Girls season!!! If you are in the mood for something totally crazy, cooky and fun, seriously, you've got to check out roller derby. And do it quick, before Drew Barrymore makes it mainstream...
One more back story before I get to the point: About 3 weeks ago, my boss had to be out of the office unexpectedly. She told me that she had been recruited to "act" in a corporate video, and asked me if I would fill in for her in her absence. (I work for a pretty big company & occasionally they do these videos that they show in various propeganda or big corporate meetings) Of course, I don't want to leave my boss hanging, so I agreed, despite my aversion to being in front of cameras of any sort. I HATE having my picture taken, but being on video is 1,000 times worse. The one positive thing was that I was assured there would be no speaking parts. It was me and four other people and we were supposed to act out a mock meeting where we all collaborated together. How nice. So, I get to the "shoot" and though a series of unfortunate events, end up sitting nearest the door. The director shows up, and immediately picks me to do a little acting...I have to walk into the conference room like a big doofy moron who is late to the meeting because everyone else is already seated in the room (exactly how I would love to be portrayed to the whole company). So, I do my little walk-in and then he also asks me to do another scene, where I'm standing behind two other women, bent halfway over, pointing at their laptop and then up at the projection screen. I just know that this is the worst possible angle I could be shot at. I have huge boobs and although I wasn't wearing a v-neck or anything close to that, I was imagining that on film, they looked as if they were about to smother the two other women. Think 1940's sci-fi monster. So, we finish the shoot, and I go back to my desk relieved that it is over. Then, I realize (with choking panic), this is going to be shown at this big department meeting (100+ people attending) in front of everyone...AND, I would have to see it. Bad enough that it existed at all, but way worse if I would actually have to see it myself. Fortunately, for me, I actually had a conflicting training to attend at the same time as the big meeting, so I have never actually seen the gruesome footage to date...
Ok, so my revelation is totally related, I promise....
Back to roller derby last night. Near the end of the bout, one of our friends asked for a girl sitting near us to take our group's picture...dun, dun, dun....the dreaded picture. Have I mentioned maybe once or twice that I HATE having my picture taken? And like the video, what was particularly bad about this instance, was that he showed me the picture after he took it...ugh, I glanced and looked away as quickly as I could. Remember, it's bad enough that someone else can see it, but it's way worse seeing it myself.
All of a sudden, the thought popped into my head:
"Looking away doesn't make you any less fat"
What kind of delusional, denial filled world do I live in that I think if I don't see the picture/video, I am helping myself in anyway? Sure, maybe I'm sparing my own feelings for a moment, but I. am. still. fat. And, unless I take actual, real, tangible ACTION, I will stay that way. Fact.
Also, I might point out that even though I still can squeeze into the same size pants I wore 20 lbs ago, that doesn't mean that I don't look 20 lbs heavier.
I feel sad. This realization that I'm in denial makes me feel like the biggest dummy on the planet. How could I be such a fool??? Why did I even let myself get to this point?
I also feel overwhelmed. Armed with this knowledge, what will I do? Where will I even start?
Am I even capable of doing what I need to??
I'm going to say, with much hesitation and wavering in my littlest voice, "yes. i can do this"