Cautious

Do you ever feel like the world should just stop turning so you can rest for a minute and get a grip? It seems unfair that I feel so awful and yet, life continues on like normal for everyone else.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I just had a lot of stuff running through my head. I wish I could transfer all the nervous energy in my brain to my body to convert it into a super fat burning machine.

I did take some little steps last night to help me get on the right track today: I prepped a bunch of fruit and veggies to take to work for snacks this week. I planned my lunch (I’ve been eating out a lot at work lately). I got out my gym bag and put clean workout clothes in it. (This is actually the lame excuse I have for not going to the gym since January – I took my sweaty workout clothes home to be washed and it took me about a month to get around to washing them, and I never put them back in my gym bag to take back to work. I feel really stupid that I let 3 months of potential workouts slip by because of this.)

Going to the gym actually takes a lot of courage for me. I just never feel like I fit in.

This morning I ate a pretty good breakfast at home and I’ve already drank 32 oz of water. I’ve done the “starting over” thing so many damn times, I feel kind of on auto pilot about what I am supposed to be doing.

I’m mulling over going back to WW. I’m really not crazy about it. I mean, I’ve been to all the meetings before, but maybe I really do need that accountability. For a while, WW was like my church. I would go every week and listen to the sermon. But, that got really old. Maybe I can just go and weigh-in and skip the meetings if I don’t feel like staying.

So, how am I feeling? Aside from still reeling from embarrassment, I’m feeling very cautious. I don’t feel optimistic and I don’t really want to. I’m afraid that I will lull myself into a false sense of success.