Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Weighing In

There is an irony to my story that I haven't told y'all. You see, I suppose you could say I am trying to get pregnant. More accurate is that my husband and I are no longer trying to NOT get pregnant. It's turned out to kind of be a pain in the ass. I figured I'd go off the pill and have a weird cycle for a couple of months and then the "trying" would really start. But, I went off the pill last May and haven't had any regularity since. My doctor doesn't seem all that concerned. As of now, I haven't had a period since February.

So, anyway, I was lying in bed on Sunday night, wallowing, when I realized that my boobs had been particularly tender. Then, I thought, “Wow, is it possible that I could be pregnant?” I launched into this all out fantasy where I take the pregnancy test in the morning and it’s positive. I imagined how I would tell my husband and then go into work with a bounce in my step, eager to tell my friend that ‘lo and behold! the pedicurist was right! I look pregnant because I am! Yippee!’

But, it was negative.

I was so preoccupied with taking the test yesterday that I forgot to weigh myself for posterity, so without further adieu….205.6 is the ugly truth from this morning. My weigh-in routine is first thing in the morning, empty bladder, pjs on. And I’m one of those people who weigh pretty much every day, but never more than once per day.

The last several months I’ve been weighing and not really thinking too much about the number. I wasn’t watching what I ate and exercising pretty infrequently, so the number would come up, I would take a passing notice and move on with my day. This is not to say I was happy with the numbers I was seeing, but for the most part I reserved judgment about them. I feel that now the time for reserving judgment has passed.

I have a friend who tells me I am my own harshest critic. This is true. I definitely feel that I need to hold myself to a higher standard than everyone else. I’m not an all out perfectionist, but the perfection tendencies that I DO have, hold me back. Especially with running – I often will run and feel like I’m not going far or fast enough, so then I’ll quit for several weeks (or months).

Yesterday, I stayed pretty well on track. I logged my calories on SparkPeople and went to the gym after work. I’m trying to tell myself that each day I go to the gym will be more comfortable than the last. I try not to look at anyone, lest they look at me. At the gym, I walked/ran on the treadmill. About a month ago, I was running 2-3 miles fairly comfortably, but then I took a hiatus from all activity. I guess I was expecting that I’d be right back at the 2 mile mark, but I was struggling yesterday. I pushed myself to jog .5 and then I walked the rest. But, it will get better, right?

Today I’m really going out of my comfort zone and going to the gym over lunch for a yoga class. Ate a good breakfast today (bumped up the protein by having an egg white on my English muffin) and have healthy meals planned.

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